Changing Self-Destructive Behaviors

I have a reader who wants to make positive changes in her life, but can’t seem to stop certain behaviors.
She writes:
“I am consistently challenged with being mindful when buying food. What do you do when you are doing things that
self-destructive and are not good and continue to do them. Is there an opportunity to change this?”

This is such an excellent question, because I think we can all relate to this, can’t we? Who among us doesn’t do self-destructive behaviors from time to time, if not on a regular basis? I know that I’ve lived most of my life doing things I wish I didn’t do, and only in the last 8-9 years have I (slowly) been able to change those behaviors.
So can you change self-destructive behaviors? Can you stop yourself from doing things you can’t seem to stop?
I can unequivocally say yes, these behaviors can be changed. I’m living proof of that.
I quit smoking, changed my eating habits completely from junk food to pretty darn healthy, went from sedentary to active, got out of debt, got rid of clutter, just to name a few of the changes I made. These all went from destructive to positive behaviors.
And trust me, I’m no superman. I might seem disciplined and a model of self-mastery to an outsider, but from within I have always felt undisciplined, a procrastinator, with a distinct lack of self-control. I never thought I could make changes, but I did.
What worked? Here’s the lowdown: a quick guide to changing these behaviors when you’re having trouble.

1. Feel the pain. We don’t tend to make changes unless we are motivated to do so. Sometimes seeing other people make changes gives us inspiration. But sometimes we just need to be in a painful place that we’d rather get out of. And so, if you’re in that painful place, allow yourself to feel the pain, and ask yourself whether it’s time for a change. Eating out of control? Well, what kind of pain is this causing you? What do you want to do about it? Get out of that painful place.
2. Turn toward the problem. One of the biggest problems with making life changes is that we tend to avoid thinking about the problem. It gets worse and worse, and yet we distract ourselves, because looking at the problem can be scary and painful. But this only makes the problem worse. If you want to get out of the cycle, you have to let yourself think about it. Look at the problem. Acknowledge it. Accept that it’s the way it is, with the understanding that it can change, if you acknowledge it.
3. Pick one small, distinct change. Once you’re ready to start making changes, just pick one. If you want to change your eating, you can’t change it all at once. It’s not realistic. So pick one change, and be specific: eat one fruit at lunch each day. Drink unsweetened green tea instead of that Big Gulp of soda you have in the afternoon. Drink unsweetened coffee with a splash of creamer instead of a Starbucks grande latte with extra whipped cream. Work on not going back for seconds until you’ve had a 10-minute break after your first helping. And so on. One change at a time, slowly.
4. Commit big time. While you want your change to be small, you want your commitment to be huge. This is what keeps you going when you don’t feel like sticking to it. How can you commit big time? Announce to a hundred people, or a thousand, that you’re going to do this, and ask them to hold you accountable. Join an accountability group. Publicly commit to a big embarrassing consequence if you fail. Do it publicly for someone else, or a charity group, so you have people you don’t want to let down. Make a pledge to someone you love. Put a big sum of money on it with your friends. Be all in.
5. Learn to believe that you can. In the beginning, you will probably have doubts that you can stick to this change. That’s OK — start on it anyway. Stick to it for one small step (drink a glass of water, eat one fruit), and see that you can do it. Then stick to it for another small step. Each time you do it, use this as evidence that you are capable.
6. Use failure to learn. While doing the habit is evidence that you can do it, failure should not be evidence that you can’t. Use it as an opportunity to learn: learn about how you work best, about how habits work, about negative self-talk (see next item) and urges. Learn about obstacles, which are inevitable, and how to get around them. Each time you mess up, this is an amazing opportunity to get better, to improve your method. Failure isn’t a bad thing — it’s new information to improve your habit method.
7. Don’t believe the negative self-talk. There will be thoughts in your head about not being able to do it, or wanting to quit. Don’t listen to them. See them, acknowledge them, but don’t follow their commands or believe what they say. They just come up because your brain is trying to get out of hard work. Lazy brain, lying brain. Instead, come up with better counterarguments: “Brain: You can’t do this.” “You: Actually, I can and have. Other people have done this, and so can I. And I will only really know if I try.”
8. Find support. Ask your partner or good friend, or family or the Internet, to support you. Ask them to check on you and not let you fail. If you don’t have anyone supportive around you, find a group online.
9. Create the right positive & negative feedback. When you eat junk food, it has positive feedback (it’s yum), and there’s negative feedback for not eating the junk food (cravings and hunger and wishing you could eat it). This is the wrong feedback cycle for the change you want to make. Instead, create a new feedback cycle that supports your change. More on this below.

Creating the Right Environment

When you put all the steps above together, it’s about having the right environment. Think of it as a greased slope — right now, the slope is greased toward your self-destructive behavior, so even if you fight against it, you’re likely to keep doing the behavior.
You can consciously change the slope. Create your own greased slope, so that it’s structured toward the direction you want to go in.
For example, if you’re trying to change the way you eat, get rid of all the junk food in your house, so it’s hard to get the unhealthy stuff. Tell people in your house not to let you go to the store or fast food places to get junk. Instead, have healthy stuff around for when you’re hungry. Have accountability and consequences, so that you don’t want to embarrass yourself by messing up (negative feedback) and you want to look good by doing well (positive feedback). Don’t meet people at places with unhealthy food — that’s like going to the bar when you’re an alcoholic. Give yourself rewards, like a massage, if you stick to it for a week or two.
These are just examples, of course … you’ll want to set up your own environment for whatever works for you. This is something you can adjust over time, which is why failure is such a good learning tool: you can see where your environment needs to be changed. If you stay on your computer instead of exercising, unplug the computer and give the cord to a friend to hold until you exercise. And so on, adjusting each time you fail until your environment is set up so you will definitely succeed.
If you leave this write-up with any message, it’s that change is possible. Even if you think you can’t do it, you’re wrong. You can. You just need to take one action, start one motion, change your environment, and grease the slope.

the myths of Ebola............. let wyndy explain

It’s funny how Nigerians can complicate things. Just yesterday a friend reminded me that the fear of Ebola is the beginning of wisdom- I guess Ebola is now the Almighty in town. Hmmm wonders shall never end in this beloved country of ours. All over the world of social media u see all sorts of conversation between Ebola and AIDs. Enough to make one pee in and laugh out loud…. Lol

Just recently we now have all sorts of local preparations and remedies for this dreaded disease that has taken a tour on our beloved West Africa countries. I have to admit it all sound so "mumucious" that I came up with a remedy myself- a local concoction such of- just for the fun of it. I am not disproving any of these local remedies. We are all entitled to our own belief system.

I belief the national fear placed on Ebola is outrageous. It’s terrible that people in authority who are supposed to enlighten the populace are not helping matter. I belief information is power and as such the people should be given the power so we can all put hands together to contain this virus sweeping across our continent. Remember the Good Book tells us that “my people perish from lack of knowledge”.

We go about shouting Ebola! Ebola!! Ebola!!! displaying all sort of "mumubolaric attitudes". enough of all these tautologies and redundant words. Do we even know the source of Ebola? do we even know its origin? Do we even know why it’s called Ebola virus and not any other name? How it’s being transmitted and its fatality rate? What about its history? Because everything must have one history or the other don’t you think? Ebola is 100 percent preventable and can easily be contained.  

Ebola virus disease (EVD) or Ebola hemorrhagic fever (EHF) is the human disease caused by the Ebola virus. Symptoms typically start two days to three weeks after contracting the virus, with a fever, sore throat, muscle pain, and headaches. Typically nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea follow, along with decreased functioning of the liver and kidneys. At this point, some people begin to have bleeding problems

Ebola first appeared in 1976 in 2 simultaneous outbreaks, in Nzara, Sudan, and in Yambuku, Democratic Republic of Congo. The latter was in a village situated near the Ebola River, from which the disease takes its name

The virus may be acquired upon contact with blood or bodily fluids of an infected animal (commonly monkeys or fruit bats).  Spread through the air has not been documented in the natural environment^. Fruit bats are believed to carry and spread the virus without being affected. Once human infection occurs, Ebola then spreads in the community through human-to-human transmission, with infection resulting from direct contact (through broken skin or mucous membranes) with the blood, secretions, organs or other bodily fluids of infected people, and indirect contact with environments contaminated with such fluids. Burial ceremonies in which mourners have direct contact with the body of the deceased person can also play a role in the transmission of Ebola. Men who have recovered from the disease can still transmit the virus through their semen for up to 7 weeks after recovery from illness. According to the WHO people have actually recovered from the disease.

It is my intention to help break the myth of Ebola virus and I believe this piece should help put your mind at rest. There is no need to panic. In my next piece I will talk about the ways Ebola can be handled and I will give facts how central Africa countries have contained it for almost 38 years.  We just have to open our eyes and see. Remember fear makes Ebola appear bigger than it is. Have a great weekend ahead.

                                                                                                                                                                wyndy

Our Delusional Fantasies

‘Most human beings spend 50 to 90 percent or more of their time in their imagination, living in fantasy.’ ~Charlotte Joko Beck

We fail at creating new habits because of fantasies.
We procrastinate because of fantasies.
We get frustrated with other people, with ourselves, because of fantasies.
We miss out on the wonder of the world because of fantasies.
We — all of us — live our lives in delusion most of the time. That might not seem true, but consider:

• When you wake up and start thinking about what you’re going to do today, your plans aren’t really happening, but are all in your head.
• When you fear the failure that might come when you tackle this big work task, and you procrastinate, it’s not failure that’s actually happening but it’s all in your head.
• When someone does something that irritates you, this is because they aren’t acting as you think they should (they should be more considerate), but this “acting how you think they should” is not reality but an ideal you have, in your head. The frustration stems not from their actions but from how their actions differ from your fantasies.
• When you start out with a new habit (let’s say exercise), you are motivated by a fantasy of what your life will be like when you create the habit … but that’s not real. When the reality of the habit happens, it never matches up with your fantasy. It’s often harder, sloppier. Less idealized. And so you quit.
• When you move through your home or office, your mind is not on the action of walking and the things around you, but elsewhere. In fantasy.
• When you eat, you’re not paying attention to the food most of the time. Your mind is somewhere else, in fantasy.
• When you talk to someone, you aren’t focused on what they’re saying, but thinking of what you’re going to say, or thinking about something else.

Of course, some of the time we’re here in the present moment, but it’s probably less than you think.
The fantasies take up most of our time, and they are not usually helpful. They cause us to fear, to procrastinate, to become angry, disappointed, to quit.

Instead, try this: let go of the fantasy and pay attention to this actual moment. See it for what it is, not what you’d like it to be. Accept it exactly as it is, warts and all.

Move through the day practicing this seeing things as they are.

Do your work without thinking about the fear of your failure fantasy, or what might happen in the future, or how hard this work is gonna be … and just do it, in the present moment.

Do your new habit (exercise, meditation, healthy eating) in the present moment, seeing it for what it is, not how it measures up to your fantasy of what it should be. Not how it will be hard in the future. But as it is.
See other people for what they are, and accept them without judgment. Strangers included. Warts and all.
We can fantasize all we want, but the fantasy never happens. This present reality is all we got. Let’s learn to love it.

The Child That Holds Us Back

It took me a long time to figure out why I, and so many others, have difficulties changing habits and making lasting changes in our lives.
It all comes down to a little child. And that child lives within each of us.
I had a hard time quitting procrastination in 2005, because I really didn’t like the extreme discomfort of enduring the powerful urges to procrastinate. It was hard, and I kept trying to rationalize giving up. I kept wanting to give in to the urges, and make life easy again. At my weakest moments, I wanted to give up.
And I had given up, the seven previous times I tried to quit procrastinating and failed. I gave in to the urges, to the rationalizations, to the voice that said, “Go ahead and procrastinate — why are you making life so miserable for yourself? Life is too short.”
This is the voice that stops us from making lasting changes.
This is the voice that says it’s OK to have those pastries, snacks, those fatty foods, those sugary drinks, that fried chicken, etc. Life should be pleasurable!
This is the same voice that says it’s OK to skip out on exercise, because exercise is uncomfortable and not fun and you’d rather be on your bed sleeping or on Facebook or playing video games or watching TV. Life is too short for misery!
This is the same voice that causes you to give excuses when you’re facing a difficult task. It causes you to skip meditation, or skip learning a language, or skip writing your book, because you’d rather be doing something easier.
This is the voice that keeps you from starting your own business, or pursuing the job you always wanted, because you’re afraid of failure.
It’s the voice that gives up when things are hard, and convinces you to give up too. It keeps you from meeting the love of your life, because you don’t want to go through the uncomfortableness of having some positive adventures. It keeps you from keeping the love of your life, because being honest with them is scary. It keeps you from learning to be alone with yourself, because that’s scary and lonely too.
This voice isn’t you. It’s a little child inside you. It’s the younger version of you, perhaps when you were 5 or 6.
This little child, this younger you, doesn’t like things that are uncomfortable or scary or difficult. What 5-year-old does?
This little child likes things that are comfortable and safe and pleasurable.
This is the child that you were when you learned all your thinking habits, when you tried things and quit because they were hard. Who could blame a 5-year-old for being like that?
But you’re not 5 years old anymore. And yet your life is run by this 5-year-old. Mine was for many years, and sometimes still is when I’m not aware of what’s going on. But now I can say i am very much able to control the 5-year old Williams that I am now a better version of me. (...hahaha when i was a child...)
The trick is to notice that this 5-year-old child is telling you what to do. But don’t listen. Don’t obey. Don’t believe its rationalizations.
You can endure difficulty. You can learn to be OK with discomfort. You can face the fear and most importantly you have to encourage yourself that you are more than capable because you have all it takes to reach the top.

"What does the Bible say about fate / destiny? Is it really true that whatever happen to us is predestined and that it is meant to be? Do we really have free will or are we meant to just fold our hands and watch as events happen in our life without putting in our efforts or atleast try something? "

This is a very complex issue, and we will start with what the Bible does not teach. Fate is usually thought of as a predetermined course of events beyond human control. A typical response to a belief in fate is resignation—if we can’t change destiny, then why even try? Whatever happens, happens, and we can’t do anything about it. This is called “fatalism,” and it is not biblical.

Fatalism is a major premise of Islam, which demands total submission to the sovereignty of Allah. It is widely held in Hinduism, too; in fact, it is a fatalistic view of life that helps keep India’s caste system in place. Greek mythology told of the Moirai, or the Fates, three goddesses pictured as weavers of men’s lives. Their decisions could not be canceled or annulled, even by other gods. Again, fatalism is not a biblical concept.

Fate and Destiny - Our Free Will

The Bible teaches that Man was created with the ability to make moral choices and that he is responsible for those choices. The Fall of Man was not a predetermined event in which Adam and Eve were hapless victims of a Puppet-Master God. On the contrary, Adam and his wife had the ability to choose obedience (with its attendant blessing) or disobedience (with its consequent curse). They knew what the result of their decision would be, and they were held accountable (Genesis 3).

This theme of being held accountable for our choices continues throughout Scripture. “He who sows wickedness reaps trouble” (Proverbs 22:8a). “All hard work brings a profit, / but mere talk leads only to poverty” (Proverbs 14:23). “Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you” (Romans 13:3).

Often, when the Bible speaks of destiny, it’s in reference to a destiny people have brought upon themselves: “Many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction” (Philippians 3:18-19). “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves” (Psalm 49:13). “A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; / whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). “Each person was judged according to what he had done” (Revelation 20:13).

We sin because we choose to. We can’t blame “Fate,” kismet, predestination, or God. James 1:13-14 says, “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.”

Interestingly, many people who choose to sin are annoyed by the negative consequences of their sin. “A man's own folly ruins his life, / yet his heart rages against the LORD” (Proverbs 19:3). This is a very insightful verse. When a man foolishly wrecks his life, he may yet insist on blaming God, or perhaps “Fate.” In this way, he persists in his folly.

Scripture also teaches that we choose to have faith. The oft-repeated command in Scripture to believe implies that we do have a choice in the matter. “Be not faithless, but believing” (John 20:27; see also Acts 16:31; 19:4).

Fate and Destiny - God’s Sovereignty

Lest we get the wrong idea, we are not the sovereign masters of our fate. Only God is sovereign. His sovereign control is called “providence.” He has chosen to give us a free will, and He has created a moral universe in which the law of cause-and-effect is a reality. But God is God alone, and there are no “accidents” in the universe.

An all-wise, all-powerful God must have a plan, so it should be no surprise that the Bible speaks of a divine plan. God’s plan, since it belongs to God, is holy, wise, and benevolent. The providence of God is working to bring about His original plan for creation.

God speaks in Isaiah 48:3, “I foretold the former things long ago, / my mouth announced them and I made them known; / then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass.” What God announces, He does (and He may announce it centuries ahead of time!).

Fighting against the plan of God is pointless. “There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan / that can succeed against the LORD” (Proverbs 21:30). This is why the Tower of Babel was never completed (Genesis 11:1-9), why Daniel’s detractors were thrown to the lions (Daniel 6:24), why Jonah spent time inside a fish (Jonah 1:17), and why I get in trouble when I sin.

Even what we would normally call “chance” or “fate” is under God’s control. “The lot is cast into the lap, / but its every decision is from the LORD” (Proverbs 16:33). In other words, God does not take a “hands-off” approach to running the world.

Everything that happens in the world is made to work out according to God’s purpose. Evil exists, but it is not allowed to thwart God’s providence. God uses even sinful men for His purposes. “The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; / he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases” (Proverbs 21:1). God worked in the hearts of the Egyptians (Exodus 12:36) and King Artaxerxes (Ezra 7:27) to bring about His purpose. Even when Man’s intent is purely evil, God can still bring about His will, as in the case of those who crucified Jesus (Acts 2:23; 4:27-28).

God’s plan includes a reward for those who trust in Him, and He promises to glorify His children. “We speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. . . . As it is written: ‘No eye has seen, / no ear has heard, / no mind has conceived / what God has prepared for those who love him’” (1 Corinthians 2:7-9). Note the use of the word destined in this passage—and that it’s a destiny based on our love for the Lord.

Fate and Destiny - An Individual Plan

God’s sovereignty reaches even to a plan for our individual lives. This is illustrated in God’s calling of Jeremiah—before the prophet was even born. “The word of the LORD came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, / before you were born I set you apart; / I appointed you as a prophet to the nations’” (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

David also recognized that the Lord had a plan for him. “Your eyes saw my unformed body. / All the days ordained for me / were written in your book / before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). Because of this knowledge, David sought the Lord’s specific guidance in many situations, such as in 1 Samuel 23:9-12.

Fate and Destiny - Putting It All Together

In Acts 9, Jesus appears to Saul of Tarsus with an interesting statement: “It is hard for you to kick against the goads” (verse 5). Jesus obviously had a plan for Saul, and Saul had been (painfully) resisting it. Exercising our freedom against God’s plan can be painful.

Later, Jesus tells Saul that a man named Ananias would come to visit —and then Jesus tells Ananias (verses 11-12)! Obviously, Jesus had a pre-arranged plan for Ananias as well. Now, Ananias didn’t want to visit Saul (verse 13-14). He could have been like Jonah and run the other way. If that had been his choice, God would have had a “fish” prepared to bring him back. Fortunately, Ananias obeyed (verse 17). Exercising our freedom to follow God’s plan brings a blessing.

In summary, the Bible teaches that God is in charge. At the same time, He has given us the freedom to obey or disobey Him, and there are some things that God does only in answer to prayer (James 4:2).

God blesses the obedient, and He is patient with those who disobey, even to the point of seeming laxity. He has a plan for our lives, which includes our happiness and His glory both in this world and in the world to come. Those who accept Christ as Savior have accepted God’s plan (John 14:6). From then on, it’s a step-by-step following of God’s best for us, praying for His will to be done (Matthew 6:10), and avoiding the sidetrack of sin (Psalm 32:1-11; 119:59; Hebrews 12:1-2).